When Money Interferes with Matters of the Heart...

Q: So my fiance is looking for wedding dresses that are way too expensive. When should I confront her and lay down the law? Should I do it now or should I wait until she decides on something that is out of her price range.

Brokedown Boyfriend, 28, Los Angeles

A: Ok. You should know by now that laying down the law rarely, if ever, goes over well with women, especially women who are planning for the proverbial "biggest day of her life."

That said, I think that kind of conversation should be had during the beginning of wedding planning. Hopefully, since it's still early in the process, she is rational and have yet turned into bridezilla. After that conversation, I think you should relax and hope for the best. Just because she's looking at really expensive dresses doesn't mean she'll actually buy a really expensive dress.

Also, there is the sensitive subject of who is paying for the dress. I think it's fair that before you're joined in marriage, and in assests, if she decides to spend thousands of dollars on a dress and she's putting it on her card, then there's nothing you can do except to sit and steam over it. But then you see her walking down the aisle, it'll all be worth it.

However, if you're the one paying for the dress, then I think occassional reminders of your agreement is warrented. You may also want to pick your battles. If it's a few hundred dollars over, it may be worth it in time, stress, and perhaps sanity, to avoid that battle and just let her have what she wants. If she decides on an outrageously expensive dress, intervention may be required.

Until the facts are in, I think you should sit back and worry about other things...like how expensive the actual ceremony and reception will be. =) Now the dress doesn't seem that bad, does it? Just saying...

Rumor Control

Q: If your extended family member starts spreading rumors about you that are not true, should you confront them and tell them they are out of line? - VA

A: My gut reaction would be HELL YEAH. Put a stop to that ridiculousness as soon as you can. However, as I've learned from my past mistakes, I would take a few deep breaths and a day or two to think it through before erupting in retaliation and regretting it later.

As an example, my cousin was spreading horrific, "Girls Gone Wild" rumors about me to my entire extended family before my parents and I caught wind of this (actually, it was the knowing glances and the constant whispering at his wedding that gave it away). No fear of any consequences, I unleashed my pit bull of a mother on my uncle and I commenced an online verbal attack on him (hey, I was 19 and AIM was big back then). Nine years later, I still haven't spoken to him. Do I regret it? Maybe. I don't regret sticking up for myself and calling in backup, but I did lose one of my favorite cousins. However, knowing that my aunts and uncles still think I'm some Hollywood floozy no matter what I say, I think I'm better off without him in my life. And really, my family should know better.

Enough about me. In the end, people spreading vicious rumors about you are just jealous of you or your situation and are trying to find ways to hurt you so they can feel better about themselves. Not a shocking revelation - people can be really selfish. Maybe it's not even worth it to confront the bastard. As long as the people hearing the rumors know the truth, why even waste your time? However, if you're anything like me, I would calmly let him know that you heard what he's been saying, you don't appreciate it and cool off any relations. It sucks because he's family, but he's the kind of family that you just need to be nice to during the holidays.

Friending exes on facebook - a do or a dont?

Q: Recently, I innocently "friended" an ex on Facebook. Shortly thereafter I realized that he had privacy blocked parts of his page. Of course, I was disturbed and slightly insulted by this development so I promptly "defriended" him. What is a girl to do? Did I overreact? - MH


A: Well, when you play with fire, there's a risk of getting singed. It may have started off innocently, but from my experience, there's always an odd tension that's hard to shake when a relationship ends - even years after it's over.

Like you, curiosity always gets the better of me - how's he doing? who is he dating? did he get fat? However, put yourself in his shoes. If some random ex, whether you broke up with him or vice versa, contacts you after a prolonged period of radio silence, it's oftentimes viewed as suspicious. What does he want? Why now? Can't he just get over me?

In which case, unless I look like I walked off the pages of Vogue and I'm dating a Brazilian supermodel, I wouldn't want him to see my life summed up on Facebook, unveiling that I'm not incredibly and significantly better off without him. I would so block you too!

What may seem like a friendly gesture to you may be considered a surprise virtual attack to him. That said, I can understand why you were slightly insulted that your goodwill was countered by a mass privacy block. After all, you were just checking in on an old friend. Take comfort in the fact that he blocked you probably because he's not in that place. Therefore, defriend away. No need for that extra stress. It's probably for the best.

Q: Why are you starting this blog? - DD

A: I started this blog because, really, sometimes you just need another opinion. If you're anything like me, you like to talk things out...ad nauseum...over and over again, analyzing every excruciating detail, until you land on a conclusion that's completely irrational. And if you talk about it enough, it'll actually start to make sense. I find it cathartic to a certain degree. Some people have yoga, I have complete, all consuming obsessions.

Even I know there's a point where enough's enough. That's when you need an outside point of view to just lay it out there...sparing no feelings and deal with it. Usually then there's some clarity in addition to mental relief (or anguish, but hey at least you can stop obsessing).

My roommate suggested that I have some sort of Dear Abbey complex. Could be, but I know there were times where I wished there was someone, anyone, other than my friends I could talk to that would just listen.

I'm no Dear Abbey. I'm sympathetic. Think of this blog like a friend on demand. As I've learned, friends tire from hyper-discussions of the same topic. Again and again...and again. So use me. Write me. Tell me what the bastard did to you or how you were wronged at work. I am always game for a little gossip. Did I mention I believe in Karma and am quite good at plotting? =)